“Bro. You are going to have so much sex on your trip.”
My friend’s eyes almost rolled back in his head as he let out a content sigh. As if he was envisioning the sheer avalanche of females that was to engulf me during my upcoming OE.
His reasons sound like a Petri dish for chlamydia: cheap drinks, single travellers who want good times, not long times, (great, as I’m a specialist at neither) and the accent. Foreign babes love the Kiwi accent.
I can safely say after five months of travelling, my friend may have been a bit optimistic. Turns out getting laid on the road can be trickier than it seems to be in your cocktail-chugging, bikini-clad fantasies. I put it down to the following three complications.
HOSTELS ARE AWFUL PLACES TO HAVE SEX
Hostels are a blessing and a curse as far as hooking up goes. Without a doubt, they’re the best place to meet potential lovers. They’re buzzing with friendly and beautiful people out to have the time of their life, just like you. However even if she does fall for your Michael Jackson dance moves, the actual logistics of having sex in a hostel are tough.
Unless you’re a baller motherfucker and you’ve forked out over double for a private room, you have two choices: the bathroom, or the bunk bed.
You’d be lucky to have enough space to fit the both of you in a bathroom cubicle, while you ignore the guy next door who’s having trouble getting acquainted with Vietnamese cuisine. In saying that, it could be a good thing if someone was throwing up in there, to help drown out the noise of your awkward fucking from the people who actually still need to use the bathroom.
If subtlety isn’t your main concern, you’ve got the option of putting on a live sex show for your dorm in the bunk beds. The unwritten rule of backpacking – don’t do this. Not only is it noisy, it’s just awkward as hell for everyone in the room. I heard one guy cleared a whole dorm because they got sick of listening to him screw.
Alas, sex in a hostel is only a reality for the rich, the gross, and the selfish. Kind of like how sex is normally. But even if you suss out a place to do the deed, you still might be doing it less than you think.
YOUR ACCENT IS NOT SPECIAL
The way people talk about the effect the Kiwi accent has on travelling babes makes it sound like it’s an ancient Elvish password, and much like the doors of Moria, legs just swing open if you speak it.
This is complete bullshit. Unfortunately Flight of the Conchords and Lorde have given damaging exposure to our once unique sound. Everyone has heard it before, and it’s no longer exotic. Not to mention everyone thinks we sound Australian, which does not help our cause.
I also argue now that world travel has become much more available to the middle-class, accents and simply being from a place far away isn’t as amazing as it once was. Everyone travelling has met someone like you before. It’s not something to rely on, and it surely isn’t this amazing nuclear thong-dropping bomb some people think it is.
YOU’RE FAT AND YOU SMELL TERRIBLE
A few travel-buddies of mine came up with a saying “if you’re still in shape, you haven’t been travelling long enough.”
I was working out heaps before I left. Being ripped lasted about three weeks into my travels. My discipline was no match for the $1 happy hour, and my muscles melted away much like my favourite triple-scoop Balinese ice-cream.
You could argue that if everyone travelling is pudgy and alcoholic, shouldn’t it all cancel each other out? In theory yes, but it’s amazing how many people seem to be in that three week golden period. Many only manage a few weeks off work for their holiday, and prepare accordingly.
Travelling for a long period of time is an absolute blessing, but you are going to smell bad and not look great most of the time. If you can still pick up with such difficulties, all power to you.
I’m sure many people have a lot of sex when they travel. Maybe they get hotel rooms, or actually like shagging in bathrooms, or maybe they just sneak off to the beach and suffer through sand-vag. They could be naturally ripped, or they might not worry about looks or accents and just rely on charm and chemistry.
However I know I’m not the only one who won’t compromise on a private setting, but also won’t pay for one. I’d rather stretch my trip out longer than put anything on a pedestal.
Travel is seen as this higher plain of living, where every second is this amazing, booze-fuelled, dramatic-landscape-set orgy. Truth be told, it’s a lot less full-on than the photos may make out. Plus any making-out that does go on isn’t far off what you could achieve at the clubs back home if you really put your mind and balls to it.
The best thing you can realize about travel-sex is you ain’t entitled to shit. The sexy Russian volleyball team isn’t going to be all over you just because you sound like Jermaine Clement. To be honest I’m having an unforgettable year no matter what happens on that front, and I’m not actually that invested in skuxxing it up. Plus that volleyball thing doesn’t look like it would be that much fun…