1am. House party. Polite. Until now.
“I heard you were talking shit about me!” was his opener. Not the best pick-up line I’ve heard, but I was still flattered. Flattered enough to give him my total honest opinion back.
“Why would I talk shit about you, you’re twice my size.”
I wasn’t lying either. It would have been like Klitschko vs Ryan Seacrest: not exactly fair pound for pound.
“It’s not a fucking size contest!” He barked back. It was then that I realized I’m a lot closer to getting a hiding then I had been for a long time.
I pay my bills as a radio announcer, so I talk for a living. Never before had that sentence been so literal. I had one option: Blab, and then hope. So I convinced him he’s got it all wrong and that we were all mates, and that it was all a misunderstanding. I can’t even tell you what words I chose, all I know is that amongst the babble, something worked.
“Aww man now I feel like a dick!” he said remorsefully. I don’t hesitate, I pounce.
“Nah nah nah mate it’s all good don’t worry it happens all good sweet as tu meke water under the bridge all good!” (I’m sure I used at least some of those words.)
Making progress, the conversation turns down a weird path. One I didn’t think would just happen the way it did. Big-Bulky-Maori-Tattoo-Man leans in and gets off his chest,
“I have a sweating problem-” And before he could finish, I noticed he did have jumper draped around his neck like a cape, & to hide his sweat marks. As a chronic sweater myself, I quickly pointed out to him how I also perspire like I was just thrown off a boat.
And then, mates. Hand-shakes, name exchanges and the sweet, sweaty taste of relief. But I’d never seen a more concrete example of insecurity as a motivator to bring others down before. You wouldn’t think ol’ Dywane Johnson over there would be so worried about his sweat that he would need to bash someone just to feel huge again.
Just because we leave the school yard doesn’t mean that bringing others down because of our own issues has become any less fashionable. There really is no reason to do it otherwise. We attack when we feel we lack. If you dig deep enough, everyone has something about themselves that they are uncomfortable with and that seriously bothers them. I’m yet to meet someone who doesn’t.
I am insecure about my teeth. (Probably why I chose radio, not TV.) John Key is so insecure about getting young votes he thinks extracting them from ponytails is his only option. Even Kanye is insecure. Just google “Kim k ray j” you’ll find out why.